2012-01-18 - 1:45 p.m.
Something's happening. It feels like... I don't know. Like everything I thought was real and true is starting to fly away right in front of me. I'm like Dorothy. I talk, people either don't look at me or stare blankly. It's as if I told them something about alligator babies. I sat by Mary today even though Linda said I should keep my distance from her. Paul was beside her. When she sneezed, he said bless you. He talked to her. He even reached over with his arm when he talked to her. But when I'm there he pretends I am not. Or I am very insignificant to him.
It is ok, I am used to this. Especially with boys. It's time for me to disappear, and not in a depressed, why-don't-they-like-me way. I mean it. This life, this life I thought would be so easy or at least simple, is not in the least. We have a presentation in one hour. Right now at this time, I can't even really imagine having a friend. Especially a boyfriend. I can't imagine anyone looking into my eyes, seeing me, and keeping on looking at me. I can't imagine it. Any connection at all is foreign to me. But oddly, it feels good. I can tell them to shove it.
There are books. There are things that are imaginary. But God, you cannot expect me to be anything other than this lying demon that I've become. Here it is. Uncovered. Maybe I even have Munchausen and I'm faking my life to people. Maybe this isn't even real. But if I'm bothering you, it's just something. Part of life. You'll get up and walk off with your computer and then you'll be happy. There's so much in my head, and so much less outside. Things are whirling around. I am a phony. My fake bad score on MMPI-2 was high. Which proves it. But I wasn't even trying to have it high. I just told the truth.
As if I even know what that is. Attention-getting is all I'm ever trying to do. I drew today. It was the lady with her coffee cup, looking down at a turtle on her doorstep. I wanted to caption it, but no words would come. Things are boring. I am boring. This is not what things are like, right?
Fuck you, professor who will judge me for whatever it is I say wrong. I am alone and this is my island of nothing and nowhere. There is no boundary line. There is no corner tree.
Just get me into a canoe and shove it off into the swamp. From swamp did I come, swamp will I return. Absolute filth of an excuse of a human. Does God even recognize me? He weeps for me, my Priest says he loves me and wants me in heaven. After confession, is that all you have to say? What about until then? You don't know what it's like for your mind to be going somewhere while your body is stuck. People tell you your body is real, but slowly it becomes invisible to them as well. Everyone is looking at me strange. Let's not let this freak into our zone. We don't know who she is or what.
This girl just walked past me, but she walked too close. Doesn't she know to stay far? She's undoing her backpack on the bench down there. Shut up! Go away! They are too close.
This music with words, it no longer means anything. I hear the words, they are comprehensible. But there's nothing striking a chord in my heart. I'm alone and these voices say things to others. This is what it's like now, someone screaming but not really. It's so deep I can only feel it. It comes out in terror. It comes out in cigarettes.
