2017-02-10 - 2:38 p.m.
Not really sure what to say in here. Usually I have a more linear, coherent sense of what is happening, but lately I don't recognize myself. Nothing about my life is the same except for my habits. I'm still messy and lazy, still easily overwhelmed and given to binge watching the weekends away. I still care what people think. There's a pending evaluation from my last rotation that I refuse to open because I'm too fragile right now. We had a snowstorm yesterday. Everyone was not at work. I live close, but I didn't come in either. Still had my pager. Some resident girl wanted to order a sendout test but then I never heard from her again. I'm on chemistry and just finished surg path. It was a strenuous month, during which I only did bare minimum laundry, almost zero cleaning, and no grocery shopping. A month of that will really set you back in terms of having an overhwlmingly cluttery household. I want to take it all and throw it out the window. Simplicity would greatly improve things, but something is stopping me.
Things with my family are stable. The status is shambles. I do not know what to do there either, as it's an untenable situation with very few options. Of the options, the most recommended from the internet is the cutting off. And I'm seriously considering it. However, I know that at this time, I am not strong enough for the slew of manipulations and weaponry that would head my way should I go against the grain. Then again, I am at rock bottom, so perhaps the timing's perfect.
I'm alone a lot. Trying to get used to this. I've detached myself from existing, perhaps as a necessary move, but I do wonder if the trajectory of avoidance and disconnection will one day run me over. I imagine this world full of people who connect, who show vulnerability and desire community and friendship. In this world, there's not a lot of time for envy or competition, just raising kids and planting gardens. Simple, quaint, imperfect, but pure. I doubt such a world exists, and if it doesn't, I doubt my chances of finding a peaceful existence. Or a partner. Or freedom from the chaos.
The work is interesting. There are a lot of sick people. New therapies, too, but sadly, they come with a high cost. Not sure how we are supposed to sustain this progress, given that no one can afford healthcare. Just thinking about it, or anything political really, is enough to sink things even further into stress.
Surely there is a different perspective out there. I'm here in this world, without my car, without any nature, and really without a sense of belonging to anything or anyone. In some sense it is not unusual. I treasure the times of being alone more than I used to. I no longer see finding a partner as the answer. I just feel a lot of grief over people that have gone, decided I was too needy, not worth the stress, or not worth sacrificing anything significant for. People are safe, scared. They don't want to do too much, so they do nothing. I'm speaking of one person in particular. His complications are multiple, as I found through accidental internet history. It seems this is what fate has brought. And at some point, my army needs to do a little more recruiting before it can fight it all off.
�
�
