2023-05-08 - 8:42 p.m.
I miss you, mom! I miss being able to say the word Mom. I haven’t said it in over a year. I’d say “hey Mom!” And you’d say “hey Mary!”
I’m never going to hear that again. It’s so clear in my mind, which is nice. I wish you could see the house we got. You and I would have a field day decorating it! It’s cute. And I want to do a dark entryway, trim and all, don’t you think?
Anyway it’s been lonely without you. I have no one to call and chat with. George and I will probably have to split up. It’s been a long time coming and I know you said I couldn’t be a single mom with a baby but I don’t really have a choice. I wish I’d not married him. I knew what it would be like. I have cried so much since we’ve been together just every day. It’s time to remember what a life without crying is! I want to go back to humans and friends and life! People who are happy and want love to give and receive and have fun. All this winning and dominating and crazy making is just so dark and menacing. It’s beyond sadness. It feels like total erasure.
Anyway, that’s all about that. Benny is big, Mom! He is so so cute he has big teeth with a wide gap. Great sense of humor and big smile with curly hair. He says “computer” and “bubbles” and “mama” and “bird”. All his favorite things start with B, so sometimes he just says “Buh?” and points. It’s either bird, ball, button, bubbles, baba, bear, bath, brush, or book. Take your pick! He loves mechanical things like the thermostat and enjoys when I turn on the shower over and over again. Seriously. Over. And. Over. And. Over. I had to set a limit eventually. He’s very sensitive and has a lot of separation anxiety right now where he cries a lot if I leave the room. He acts silly and stands up in his crib and plays cute games. His laugh is a little giggle chuckle, same as when he was a baby! I often look at that video of you holding him and saying “Mary, can you believe this?!” Why didn’t I take more or longer videos? What was wrong with me.
But I remember at the time we were so so so wanting to keep you alive so badly that I couldn’t do the memory videos in front of you or have you do many things to remember you by. It was too painful and I didn’t want it to seem like that visit was going to be the last visit. We were planning to come down in a couple of weeks. But that didn’t happen. And I knew it might not. It still hurt so bad. You texted me as you and dad drove off, “I feel a big letdown don’t you? I didn’t want it to end.” I said yes but George and I would come down. You said ok great I can’t wait. I let you down, mom. I wasn’t there when you took your last breath. I wasn’t there. I wanted to be with you! I didn’t believe William. I thought you had more time. A few days. Our flight was booked and you died the night before we flew out. I’m very sorry mom. I hope that you weren’t feeling sad or alone. I hope that you are okay now.
This message won’t get to you I know. But a part of me hopes it will. You won’t come back I know. But I hope that you will. I keep thinking you might. Like maybe it’ll happen this one time. No one would have to know. You can just come back and we can go shopping and eat at Alabasha and everything will go back to normal the way it was. The colors will go back to lively. The world will seem whole again. I can’t wait until that happens. I look forward to it so much, that I just live in this space of waiting until you come back. I can’t know yet that you won’t. It doesn’t go in and doesn’t compute. I can’t accept it. It’s not how things were supposed to go.
We didn’t always get along, and I’m aware you didn’t really love me all that much. You did but you didn’t really like me and I realized early on that my love wasn’t truly reciprocated. But it was okay because I had the love and the love was there. It didn’t need to be given back. It didn’t need a reason.
Dad is doing ok I guess. He’s keeping very busy. We find it hard to schedule plans or visits. William said he has always been this way. I’m sure you’d have a lot to say on the subject! He cannot be pinned down. He’s cooking a lot, having people over. Going to town meetings. Legal work with Shep (remind me to tell you about their firm Christmas lunch we went to! Benny screamed the whole time, I thought Gwen Anne had three kids, Bryce threatened Ben with the belt). Dad has a lot going on. It has become clear that he doesn’t really need a lot of people around like you and I do. He is fine alone. I worry even when we visit that it’s too much. He says he likes it but is hardly around.
That’s about it. More hard times ahead but I’m different and more resilient. I know what’s true and what’s not and no amount of George’s denying reality can make me ignore reality. Or change my mind. He hates this. I can’t have it any other way. I don’t have a job, the VA thing didn’t work out. She must not have wanted me there. They haven’t hired anyone else and they said I can’t apply for my job again. That’s that. It’s hurt my feelings a lot because I don’t know what I did besides maternity leave. It feels bad to know that they’d rather have no one than have me.
Things will be ok I guess. It’s sad and lonely here. Very quiet. VERY quiet. I don’t know what hobbies will be or what will become of our small family. Not sure when the melanoma will come back and wipe me off the earth. I try not to think about it. But desperately I want Benny to have a mom for his whole life and not lose her like I lost you. Even though I’m 39. It still feels so soon. I wasn’t ready. We still had so much to do.
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